An Open Letter from the Patriarchy

This is a guest post from an author who has requested that he/she/it remain anonymous.

Dear Feminists,

Thank you. No, really, we mean that. Thank you.

Thanks to you, a bunch of false rape accusations have hit the mainstream media and have been discredited so thoroughly that no one will believe the next person to come forward. Which means that, for us, it’s open season on vulnerable women.

Thanks to you, the mere concept of rape has been so devalued that when someone hears it, their first thought will be of a mean comment on someone’s Tumblr, rather than a woman being dragged down an alley and violated. On behalf of all the men who get their action down alleys, good job.

Thanks to you, the next generation of feminists can’t even put up with polite disagreement without being triggered. Which means brute force is going to be entirely unnecessary when we finally decide to drop the hammer on you weak little maggots. Hope you enjoy sucking your thumbs in a fetal position and crying.

Thanks to you, it’s now considered an article of faith among naive young women that reason is one of our tools. Actually, there’s this thing called the intersubjectivity gap, and reason was your one chance to bridge it without violence. Now that you’ve made women incapable of using reason, we can just leave you with blood in your mouths the next time you mouth off to us. Because we have upper body strength, and you don’t.

Thanks to you, even the idea of learning to defend oneself against potential rapists is considered victim blaming. So now we know for a fact that any of you who are attractive are also defenseless, which means we’ve got no reason to be afraid that rape might be dangerous.

Thanks to you, fat shaming is considered a feminist cause, which means that most of your most high profile advocates will be grotesque landwhales. Not only does this mean no one will listen to you, but it also is a surefire way for those of us with a fat fetish to get our rocks off. Because who’s going to believe that an ugly, bull dyke feminist actually got someone hard enough to rape her? Man the harpoons, amirite?

In short, if those of us in the patriarchy wanted something to help us oppress the fairer sex, we couldn’t have asked for better friends.

Oh yes, you’re right that we have privilege. Or, as we like to call it, power. And thanks to you, we now have more power and less responsibility than at any point in history. Not only that, but there’s no school of feminism that hasn’t helped. Oh, the sex negative ones did everything already listed, but don’t think you’re off the hook if you’re sex positive either. Now, because of sex positivity, our libidos can run rampant without the slightest fear of pregnancy thanks to the pill. You’ve killed chivalry, claiming it’s sexist, so now we don’t even have to call you after screwing your brains out. We can even enjoy watching the dumbest, most pathetic among you take their clothes off for money thanks to the sexual revolution. Soon, we’ll have prostitution legal thanks to you, and from there it’ll be a short step to requiring every woman who wants welfare to prove that she first can’t get money being fucked in the back of someone’s car. It’s a great day to belong to the patriarchy.

Now, don’t get us wrong. There’s plenty of room for you lot to advance, even in the world we run. You see, after the utter humiliation of the suffrage era, we learned a valuable lesson: Trying to exclude women from power actually makes us weaker. If a woman’s strong enough to fight her way into our ranks, she not only deserves to be there, but you’ll turn her into a willing agent for our side. After all, you hate each other more than you hate us, by a mile. And the women who fight their way into our ranks will show precisely the qualities that make the rest of you hate them. No one rapes the women who sleep their way to the top because they know how to manipulate the strongest men into helping them at first, and then once they’re on top, everyone’s afraid to do it. They turn their inability to say no into a source of power, like Anne Boleyn, or any number of other seductresses throughout history.

Why bother oppressing Marissa Mayer, or pushing her under the glass ceiling? We don’t need to. You lot will say all the nastiest things about her philosophy and lifestyle without our help. Why bother oppressing Belle Knox? You lot will call her a traitor and a sellout to the patriarchy with all the pleasure in the world. Under the guise of solidarity with feminism, you’ll let your envy for prettier, smarter, and stronger women loose so viciously that no woman who rises above the pack will regard you as anything but the mean girls who said nasty things about her behind her back before she was a master of the universe. And we like it. Those women are often even more callous patriarchs than we are. And you practically recruit them for us.

Even better, you’re actually going out of your way to target everyone who might possibly help you take us down. You know what the funniest thing to watch over the past few years has been? The fact that you’re focusing so much of your energy going after a bunch of pathetic, whiny neckbeards who just want to hide behind their comics and their video games to mask their crippling fear of the opposite sex. Oh, sure, some of them have gone on to be rich in Silicon Valley, but I guarantee you none of those men has reason to be afraid anymore. Any woman who accuses them will get called a gold digging whore and ignored, and most of them won’t even bother accusing them because they’ll be too busy trying to see who can open their legs with the greatest success. And when one eventually manages to snag her pet nerd with all his millions, what will happen? All her bitter ex-rivals will attack her, and just to spite them, she’ll twirl around any pole her new hubby points her at. And then, we’re back to the whole “feminists recruiting our pet women” thing.

But back to the nerds — the ones who don’t get rich, and only have their comics or video games or porn as solace. Maybe this never occurred to you, but one pity fuck would be all it would take to turn those poor little gamma males into your slaves. They’d white knight for you until the fucking cows came home if you so much as looked at them kindly. Instead, what do you do? You scorn and mock all the things they love, mock them for loving them, and tell them they’re not entitled to the most basic forms of human kindness in order to make yourselves feel better. Small wonder they openly profess their antifeminism. Siding with us is a matter of survival. We might regard most of them as the bottom of the male food chain, but at least we admit they deserve to be acknowledged as human beings. At least we’re willing to toss them the sixes and fives who we can’t be bothered with as a consolation prize, or teach them to humiliate the hotter girls into their beds out of pure magnanimity.

Whereas you? You just want to be the hot girl who makes them do your homework, and then mocks them with her friends. It may come as a surprise to you, but even the nerd with the worst self-esteem has learned not to fall for that by the time they reach voting age. Even if they never sleep with anyone in their lives, the brutal logic of the Master-Slave dialectic will keep them from ever falling for that again. Better to fight the women who scorn and belittle you than bend over and ask, “Please, milady, may I have another,” after all. And once you eventually kill reason as a tool of resolving conflict? Well, let’s just say all those nerds you preemptively branded as rapists are going to suddenly realize that if they’re going to be called rapists anyway, they might as well get the fun part out of it. And by that point, you’ll have backed so many false rape victims out of solidarity, or social justice, or whatever bullshit you tell yourselves about supporting whores with second thoughts, that no one will believe their victims.

Not that it ever will necessarily get that far. After all, you’ve already provided a far better way for all those gamma males to talk their way into your beds without even resorting to rape, or something niche like pickup artistry. In fact, even if they did want to rape you, you’ve given them an airtight alibi. You want to know what five words have probably been responsible for more nonconsensual sex and/or regretted sex than date rape drugs alone?

“Hey baby, I’m a feminist.”

If the greatest trick the devil pulled was convincing the world that he didn’t exist, then the greatest trick Schrodinger’s rapist ever pulled was convincing the world that he was a feminist. I guarantee you that if you want to know who the rapists of the world are, look at the men who write for feminist blogs. To a man, I bet you anything they’re either gay or using their feminism as a cover for their own skeevy habits. But don’t take our word for it. Look at the numerous feminist academics — both male and female — who’ve ended up in similar situations. And if one of these men does rape someone, his professed feminism is all the help he needs.

If we thought you’d listen, we’d give you this tip: The next time some sad nerd openly admits he’s an antifeminist around you, grab him, kiss him, and thank him. Because that means he’s honest enough to tell you what he really thinks, knowing it might possibly make you not want to sleep with him. In other words, he respects your intellect enough to out and out tell you what he thinks. On the other hand, if any man claims to be a feminist who isn’t gay, you should run like hell. Because that guy is after one thing: Getting in your pants.

Not that you’ll listen, and even if you did, it wouldn’t help. Here’s an illustration. Say you did decide to regard every man who self-identified as a feminist with suspicion. Suddenly, what few decent men who did actually want to help with your struggle would feel alienated and angry. “Feminists are sexist bigots!” They’d cry. “How could we have been so wrong?”

To which we reply: Poor babies. You’re right, feminism has gone too far. But no worries, we’ll teach you how to get back at them.

On the other hand, if you don’t do that, then every sociopath among us who knows that he stands a better shot of getting in your pants if he claims to be a feminist will just ravish any and every woman he wants without consequences, and the men who actually are sincere will never get any anyway. Either way, we win.

Oh, here’s another tip. Stop mistreating men who act like this:

You think any of you would have the power to say no to these men without what little residual chivalry still resides in their rotting crania? Sorry sweetie, but no. Those men talk to you like they’re medieval knights because they think like medieval knights. And medieval knights had tons more explicit power than any man today has. Yet they would abide by far stricter, more vanilla rules of courtship which all but completely neutered their actual, implicit power because of chivalry and honor. Are the men who still think that way pathetic and oblivious? Of course they are! It’d be hard not to be, when all the advantages we have thanks to you feminists are staring us in the face. But because those men are so pathetic and oblivious, they’re the last ones you can count on to be decent to you. That is, until you exploit them until the point where aforementioned bitterness kicks in.

Or don’t. It doesn’t matter, because again, we win either way. Either you start putting out for the weakest among us, while secretly longing to be ravished by stronger men (in which case all of us win), or you drive the last men who actually believe they’re obligated to treat weaker beings with respect into our arms and render yourselves completely helpless, in which case, again, all of us win. Sorry sweethearts, sucks to be you. But at least one of the options is mildly more livable and you won’t have to carry mace everywhere.

Here’s another dirty little secret: There’s no such thing as rape culture. Oh, we don’t expect you to believe us. We know you’ll go right on fighting that nonexistent threat and making our lives easier in the process. But seriously, there’s no such thing as rape culture. Not because we couldn’t create it, but because why would we? A culture that disdains rape is very useful for our purposes, because the only men who ever get caught doing it are the ones who make all of us look better by comparison. Having an anti-rape culture gives us scapegoats, and only keeps the most hapless men frustrated, which in turn makes them more and more bitter against those of you who won’t put out and makes them more likely to side against you. It’s win/win. And the stronger you make that anti-rape culture, the stronger you make us.

Catching real rapists? Great, we have someone to say doesn’t represent us. False rape accusations? Great, now fewer of us will ever get convicted, and we can throw a few table scraps to those of us with the least game. Saying yes to every man you meet? No need to tell you why we win, then. Saying no to every man you meet? Great, we love it when feminists breed themselves out of existence..

But, you might wonder, why would we tell you this? Well, call it a sense of fair pl–hahahahahahahahaha, sorry, but none of us could possibly write that sentence with a straight face. Actually, we just want to see how much it triggers you, because if there’s one thing we love, it ‘s seeing you little insects run around like chickens with your clitorises cut off. And since this letter will trigger you, there’s precisely zero shot of the most committed among you taking it seriously, or even being able to internalize any of it. And any bitter nerds who cite this post will automatically get dismissed as whiners by you guys anyway, so there’s no way you’ll listen to them.

So why not tell you? Maybe a few women who are otherwise smart and strong enough to survive in a man’s world will realize what a con you’re all selling. Or maybe you’ll all suddenly get tough and smart — hey, weirder things have happened, right?

Don’t kid yourselves that you can beat us if you all toughen up, though. No offense, but your sex has spent millennia being socialized to be mothers and fuck toys, whereas we’ve spent the same amount of time being literally bred for combat. If it came to a war of raw physical strength, men would win, not least of all because most of the world’s leaders are men, especially the ones with their fingers on big, red buttons. The battle of the sexes would be a massacre, if it ever happened. Oh, who are we kidding, it’s been happening in proxy wars for centuries, and we’ve won every time. You’re not even in occupied territory; you’re prisoners of war. The best you can hope for is becoming one of the prison guards.

And contrary to popular belief, there’s no ceiling on how far you can rise if you do become one of the prison guards. Like we said, we like to give women someone to hate for succeeding more than them, and if a woman wants to oppress other women, why artificially hold her up? It’s not like we need to rape her — those of us who are strong enough can get her in bed consensually, and those that aren’t are too scared of the men she does bed. Oh, sure, some mediocre women think they’re being held down (like the CEO of Reddit), but even if they were, we’re too smart to do it obviously enough to have it proven. Your sexual assault and discrimination lawsuits already taught us everything that doesn’t work. You’ll never know if you’re a victim of ours or just weak, and that’s the way we like it. Though honestly, you’re probably just weak. The strong ones never bother wondering about that question because they don’t give a damn.

Now, if you’re still reading, you’ve earned the right to hear the one big truth we’re dead certain almost no one will believe, but which is still true. But here’s a little background before we get to it: This isn’t about male vs female. This is about desire. A gay man could write this letter about men he desires just as easily as we could write it about you.

Which brings up a good point: you’ll never even know if a man or a woman wrote this. Oh sure, we’ve written it to sound like men wrote it, and claimed a lot of male advantages, but for all you know, we’re just angry lesbians who’ve decided to throw in our lot with the patriarchy. Because hey, all the advantages men have in this letter, a certain stripe of lesbian has, too. Or maybe we’re successful straight women who are enjoying gloating over the fact that despite it being a man’s world, we ended up with power over more men than you feminists could have in your wildest dreams. Or maybe we wrote this deliberately in a male voice out of sarcasm to show how much you’re not helping your own sex, despite being avowed supporters of patriarchy.

Go back and read the first few paragraphs. Hell, read everything we’ve written thus far.

Now understand this: most of the advantages we’ve listed that we have as members of the Patriarchy have accrued because the Patriarchy has learned to think and act like women, rather than like men. Seriously, you think men could scheme like this if they were still running around shoving swords in each other and grunting the way they were in the bronze age? Hell, no. The arts of seduction, diplomacy, manipulation, and control through socialization? These are all the things women have historically been good at. It was only when outright war became unfeasible due to men inadvertently building the greatest super weapons they could, and suddenly realizing that no one wanted to use them, that the world placed such a massive premium on feminine skills. Sure, raw, male assertiveness rules the world in some ways, but in the modern age, the iron fist of masculine hard power cannot survive without the velvet glove of feminine soft power.

The Patriarchy survives because we have embraced the best elements of femininity in a way that feminism simply has not. You fail because you have embraced the worst boorishness of the male bronze age soldier in the form of angry feminism, and the worst fragility of the woman on the fainting couch in the form of perpetually triggered feminism. We tolerate both only insofar as they sustain our power. You make apologies for them because they’re all a movement of self-conscious losers can possibly rely on. You are under occupation because we Patriarchs always and everywhere have been ceding only that territory necessary to snare your boorishness in our claws and civilize it into our service. Rather like every housewife since the dawn of time.

This is the truth you will not believe, feminists, and because we are better at acting like women while thinking like men than you are, we have no worries at all about saying it:

Victory has defeated you.


4 thoughts on “An Open Letter from the Patriarchy

  1. Entertaining. I would categorize this as “high fantasy”. Whoever penned this is either incredibly creative. I give it a 10/10!

    …I just hope, for his own sake, that no man takes this seriously.

    “[T]he greatest trick the devil pulled was convincing the world that he didn’t exist.” A conveniently quoted old saying, because The Devil, in this instance, is woman with her power. This is something almost all women know. I think the only women oblivious of their own power are Feminists, and even then, it’s only a *very* small fraction of their ranks. These plays at victimhood are indirect power-grabs, and men project uncharacteristic frankness onto women in believing that any meaningful number of them actually see themselves as actual victims.

    I think women’s power is something all men recognize, at least subconsciously, and the classically boisterous masculine ego is but a defense mechanism (“Reaction Formation”) arising in response to that uncomfortable truth. Such a strong response betrays the male ego’s attempt to deny what it already knows…

    But…do not take the above as an assertion of submission. On the contrary, simply stating what I have above is, on its own, a challenge to woman’s power, and if you cannot understand why, then you have a lot to learn…


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